#ThisIsInfertility

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*Not our new house. This is Christiania.

Soon, Martin and I will move. We are downsizing to a smaller, cheaper apartment in a northern borough of Copenhagen called Nørrebro. AKA, NørreBronx.

Our week of packing happens to coincide with National Infertility Awareness Week in the United States. The movement – complete with hashtags and extensive social media efforts – has given me time to reflect on the current wave of emotions (read, bitterness) I am feeling right now.

We are moving because I struggle with infertility; my body isn’t working right, and this is my punishment. Losing my home, in hopes of gaining some money. To pay for the children we so desperately want. We will have to pay a lot of money to earn the title of Parents, esq.

I am trying to be less bitter about this fact. But I am. 11 rounds of fertility treatments, and we are back at the bottom of our mountain. Only soon, we are homeless. Uprooted, physically and emotionally. And you don’t have to tell me, because I already know: it’s only money – and it will be the most gratifying, heart-filling investment we will ever make in our lives. Without question.

But I see our move as a huge failure on my part.IMG_5148

We are moving → the wrong way. We are the Jeffersons, in reverse. ♫ “We are moving on down, to the North side, to a deluxe shanty that makes me cry.” This predicament has upturned the old canard I clung to, promising my ‘upward mobility.’ We are going from spacious and posh and high ceilings, to smaller and dodgier and a single chipped bathroom in that rougher ’hood across town. The one where the terrorist was shot after his shooting rampage on February 14th. There is no sparkling pool of self-pity for me to swim in there. There are people there in far worse shape than me.

I would like to not be the sweater-set wearing a$$hole that I am who worries about the square-metres of her new address. We don’t really need a big flat, because we are just two. But where will the crib go, over there?

The moving boxes all over the flat eat me up inside. I mope around the joint, and fill half a box every evening before telling my husband I’m too tired.

I am annoying even myself.

Martin has called in the big guns. His parents. My precious in-laws from the island of Fyn have temporarily moved into the new, bare-ass flat. They brought sleeping bags and meatballs. They wake early every morning, put on their overalls, and get to work, painting it top to bottom (while Martin and I have our butts planted in Danish-design chairs, in front of our computer screens all day).

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Actual photo submitted to adoption agency. :)

They’re sleeping on an air mattress every night in order to help us. And I still feel like I am entitled to complain. (I know I’m not). They don’t want to bunk with us at the old flat in order to “give us our privacy.” They get it. They know how our evenings are spent. Emailing adoption agencies in the U.S., fighting back tears.

I tell them, Tak. Tak så meget.

Thank you so much. I slipped into the kitchen during dinner last night to cry into the sink. Because their decency and generosity are things I feel unworthy of._MG_4739 copy

I am so mad at the world, but I love them so much. I love them for being so silent and loving. For helping us out in this confusing time. For making sure my amazing husband isn’t in that flat alone, painting it real nice for his bitter, infertile wife.

#ThisIsInfertility #NationalInfertilityAwarenessWeek