On gratitude

heart is tired

Does anyone have tips for dealing with women/friends/sisters/strangers with babies who talk about how hard they have it? One of my favorite bloggers who shall remain “nameless” (Cupcakes and Cashmere) gave birth 3 months ago, and her recent entry on how terrifying it was “to realise her baby needs 1 bottle of formula before bed” — which has torn her up to bits — made me want to toss my computer out the window. All the commenters lauded her bravery, sympathising with the grief of realising formula-supplementation might be wise.

I know I’m just a cold-hearted biyotch for not giving two hoots — and for feeling rising wrath for her. But then the cycle of guilt started up. And I wondered, how do others in the TTC community cope with ungrateful idiots with babies?! Why do I call them idiots? Am I as mean and cruel as I sound? What has happened to me?…I asked my husband. It’s all perspective, he said. Her problems are monumental. To her.

Will I become one of those gals who obsesses over the “small stuff” when I join the ranks of privileged new moms? Are there any “small stuffs” when you’re a new mom?

Will I ever have the chance to worry about cloth versus disposables? To buy a Sophie the Giraffe toy for my teething baby to chuck on the road so I can obsessively sanitize it with organic wet wipes from Whole Foods? Will it ever be my turn to be a freaked out, bean-counting new mom?

When it is my time — and I have to believe it will come — I hope I have the long-term memory and the good grace enough to know when to keep my pie-hole shut, lest there be the ear of a grief-filled woman grappling with infertility, who’d give anything for a baby to whine about.

  5 comments for “On gratitude

  1. Caroline S
    May 31, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    Hello from Ireland. I just watched your May update video. I’m so sorry you’re still TTC.I had hoped that the absence of videos meant you’d got that magical BFP!!!!
    I haven’t any words of wisdom. Nothing I can say will heal your broken heart but I just wanted you to know that I wish you well. After 8 IUI,3 IVF and 3 miscarriages I had to make the decision to stop treatment over a year ago. I’m 44 and single. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
    My heart is still broken but I hope that in time I will find peace.
    You and Martin will be wonderful parents whether though IVF or adoption. I’ve watched your videos for a long time and your sparkling, caring personality has always shone through. Give yourself a lot of TLC in the days ahead. I remember how emotional I was on Gonal F.
    Wishing you both a future full of joy and happiness.
    Caroline

  2. May 31, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    Oh Caroline. I’m so sorry for the struggles you have faced. What a harrowing journey – to go through so many rounds, and to lose 3 little ones. How painful your road has been. I am so sorry for the broken heart you’ve endured. I hope too, for you, that you find some inner peace. I have friends as well who had to stop the battle. It caused them so much anguish – but they are survivors. And the pain eased into a place of being okay, and not so much “in grief” until they were in a place of happiness again. My one friend recalls “having to reshape the life she envisioned for herself” – and it took therapy and so much soul-searching, but she is happy again. She is herself again. I hope that so much for you, Caroline. I’m sorry — keep hanging in there. Thank you for your encouragement and support. Right back at you!

  3. Samantha
    June 2, 2015 at 1:00 am

    I tried to find a private message feature to send to you, lest make this public whatsoever, but I couldn’t, so I hope this message finds you here. I have been following your youtube channel for several years, and I remember posting a comments on one of your videos around the time you got married remarking that you looked so gorgeously happy. At that time, I was so miserably, unhealthfully unhappy, and I usually hated people for their happiness, but I was struck by how genuinely glad I was that you, a stranger, were that happy. Since you have been going through this time, I have kept you in my thoughts and in my heart, and I know (as you do) that one day you will share the message that you are finally a mother.

    I decided to leave you this message, however, to tell you that in my mid-twenties (I am now in my late-twenties) my mother decided that she just couldn’t do it anymore. I still don’t know what it was, but she just couldn’t care about anyone other than herself and abandoned our family. Me. I have not spoken to her in over eighteen months, because when I gave her the choice of either going to therapy to figure out whatever was happening or no longer have a relationship with me, she chose to not have a relationship. My mother was very loving and attentive my entire life, so this was utterly shocking and devastating for me.

    When I see you talk about this subject or read your writing, it pains me that you do not have a child because I know you will be an amazing mother. And your child, though they may never know how incredible you are, will be so fortunate. Feeling like your parent–your mother–has lost love for you is a feeling that I cannot even describe. I am not okay; I suffer daily. It is a hurt so deep and so primal. I wish all mothers had the love that you do.

    I just want you to know that I wish you the best, and I send you love and hope and support. xx

  4. June 5, 2015 at 6:46 pm

    Hi there Samantha. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for what your mother has done to you. There are just no words. Your testimony is tragic — and I hope you gain some peace, love and closure through this very sad turn of events with her. I understand the shock and sadness you must feel.

    Thank you for reaching out to me. And thank you for the comments on my wedding day from a few years back. I really and truly found my safe harbor and my happiness with my husband.

    I appreciate your comment, and I wish you so much happiness and healing. Hang in there. I hope it gets better – it has to.

  5. juvie
    June 16, 2015 at 4:14 am

    I also can’t stand these types of complaints from friends with babies… I know plenty of mums who don’t do it, so I don’t think we are all destined to be so self absorbed… At least when we are talking to those who are going through a greater pain at the time.

    I’ve had a close friend that I told about my infertility basically turn it around and say I’m lucky I have my career in order because she feels like she had her baby but has not landed a career and is struggling. Basically I had to end up consoling her all night. Later after 2 rounds of IVF going into a third she gave us tickets to a show that she couldn’t go to because, you know, as parents now they don’t get time for fun stuff, but we could use the tickets for a date. I was just about to start stimulation mess and she had no clue that we aren’t simply partying it up every night because we have no kids. Grrrrrr.

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