Why infertility hurts so bad. Reason #106. Â When you start trying to get pregnant, you summon so much love for the baby that will come. Letâ€™s call it pre-love. It swells inside you, growing bigger by the day. Every month, you followÂ the signs to see if youâ€™re any closer to being united with that one you already love. But your baby just canâ€™t find its way to you. And you feel so lonely.
Nobody knows that baby that you miss. They havenâ€™t met or seen the child the way you have. They couldnâ€™t possibly understand why you are mourning thin air. Missing, what isn’t there.
Today was the holy blood test day for our latestÂ IVF cycle. 14 days ago, we transferred back two embryos, 4 cells each. Mild fragmentation, all even size. â€œNot bad chances,â€ said the embryologist. Iâ€™ve been on a dose of prednisone in the morning, estradiol tablets three times a day, and progesterone injections, also three times a day. Iâ€™ve had all the symptoms. Heightened sense of smell. Sore breasts. And then, the period. That didnâ€™t come. The same period that comes every 25 days, on the dot, didnâ€™t show up. The only time it didnâ€™t come was when I got pregnant on IVF cycle #1, ART treatment #7. The other times, it always arrived, threeÂ days before testing day. Like a zombie, I showed up for those roteÂ tests, knowing it was all over.
But this round? This was our chance. I felt amazing at the clinic this morning, proudly offering up a vein for the sweet phlebotomist to draw one full test tube.Â Martin squeezed my knee as if to say, “We got this.”
I overheard the 46-year-old patient before me tell the nurse that she had taken a home pregnancy test that morning. And it was positive! She beamed as the nurse rubbed her leg.
So I was not prepared for the phone call just one hour ago. It was nurse Camilla saying, â€œIâ€™m so sorry, Camryn.â€
The hardest part of todayâ€™s event wasÂ having to call Martin.Â He is just as shattered.
We have so much love to give and nowhere to place it.
And I wonder if our baby misses us just as much.