Why infertility hurts so bad. Reason #106. When you start trying to get pregnant, you summon so much love for the baby that will come. Let’s call it pre-love. It swells inside you, growing bigger by the day. Every month, you follow the signs to see if you’re any closer to being united with that one you already love. But your baby just can’t find its way to you. And you feel so lonely.
Nobody knows that baby that you miss. They haven’t met or seen the child the way you have. They couldn’t possibly understand why you are mourning thin air. Missing, what isn’t there.
Today was the holy blood test day for our latest IVF cycle. 14 days ago, we transferred back two embryos, 4 cells each. Mild fragmentation, all even size. “Not bad chances,” said the embryologist. I’ve been on a dose of prednisone in the morning, estradiol tablets three times a day, and progesterone injections, also three times a day. I’ve had all the symptoms. Heightened sense of smell. Sore breasts. And then, the period. That didn’t come. The same period that comes every 25 days, on the dot, didn’t show up. The only time it didn’t come was when I got pregnant on IVF cycle #1, ART treatment #7. The other times, it always arrived, three days before testing day. Like a zombie, I showed up for those rote tests, knowing it was all over.
But this round? This was our chance. I felt amazing at the clinic this morning, proudly offering up a vein for the sweet phlebotomist to draw one full test tube. Martin squeezed my knee as if to say, “We got this.”
I overheard the 46-year-old patient before me tell the nurse that she had taken a home pregnancy test that morning. And it was positive! She beamed as the nurse rubbed her leg.
So I was not prepared for the phone call just one hour ago. It was nurse Camilla saying, “I’m so sorry, Camryn.”
The hardest part of today’s event was having to call Martin. He is just as shattered.
We have so much love to give and nowhere to place it.
And I wonder if our baby misses us just as much.