Cups

cup 2a 2IVF is a really hard ordeal for men.

It’s really painful because it requires them to have that awkward orgasm involving a plastic cup.

It’s really hard on them having to deal with that crusty, tattered edition of Playboy July ’98. The one with Jenny McCarthy on the cover. And the men, bless their hearts, know what she’s turned into. And they’re just not in the mood – and that’s way hard.

They never know just how close to the Fill Line they need to go. And then that uncomfortable walk-of-shame to the lab, where they pass all the moaning women keeled over on gurneys, in their post-surgical morphine-fog after an egg retrieval. Hospital-gowns-a-blazing. And the sweet men stand there, holding their cups, cheeks all flushed.

And then they have to worry about the condition of their swimmers. That one of their millions of tadpoles might boink one of her seven (measly) eggs on the dish.

IVF is hard on the Daddies-to-Be because they can get callouses on their thumbs from injecting their woman so much with needles.

Finger Band-aids® don’t buy themselves, you know?

It’s way hard.

______________________________

Okay. Imagine all of the above uttered in the voice of Amy Schumer.

Because you see, if you know me, you know that I’m being super duper sarcastic. I don’t feel bad for the men who get to have an awkward doctor’s-office orgasm.

I say to them, “Where the f@#k is my orgasm?”

Why does a round of IVF mean 117 injections into my abdomen, 27 vaginal ultra-scans, mood swings that make me behave like Gordon Ramsey with PMS, hypertension, bloating, ovarian cysts, cramping, bleeding, metal speculums that feel like a car-jack for my cervix, and 15 pounds of water-and-Oreo-weight-gaining; and YET SOMEHOW, when society reflects on the IVF ordeal, we fret over his awkward orgasm.

His role: an unfulfilling solo dalliance in a creepy medical office. Her role: see list above. Acknowledging that it is a less-than-perfect moment of ecstasy for him in the broom closet, I say “boo-friggin-hoo.” From a place of enormous love and respect. Because IVF is really hard on the men too.

Giving credit where it’s due, my husband has had 13 intimate encounters with cups in his life, and he hasn’t complained about it once. Except that one time I told him to think about me. That was going too far.

On season 2 of HBO’s True Detective, the character played by Vince Vaughn tells Colin Farrell’s character, “My wife and I are going to do IVF! Man, I’m not looking forward to spooging in a cup.”

Martin and I bursted into laughter. That, my friends, is IVF in a nutshell, explained by the dude from Old School.

He gets a dark room and a magazine. I get 1,416 needles. (Yes, the number keeps growing the more I type).

Who has it the worst?

Probably Jenny McCarthy.